Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Earning the Right

There is a phrase that has been roaming around in my head lately. A friend of mine, Janelle, inspired it with her passionate quest to show teenagers the Truth with Love. She says that the majority of her work in Portugal thus far has dealt with building relationships with teens to the point that she has ‘earned the right’ to ask the hard questions. I think often in my own desire to walk with people, I walk a short distance the whole time thinking, ‘where are the opportunities for the hard questions. How long do I have to walk along these insignificant lines to get to the important ones?’ I seem to always be looking for the fruit, when the soil is not even ready for seeds. I want to be able to tell the stories about how God worked and changed a life forever to prove to you that your prayers and money were worth my decision, and that my decision was a good decision. I realize now, with the help of reading and living, that I am impatient about the task of building relationships.

Sure there are relationships that God has blessed me with where those spiritually encouraging conversations came along very quickly. In fact, there is a girl named Elin, from and now in Sweden, who follows the philosophy of Buddhism. She, a few other friends of mine, and I took a road trip recently, traveling the southern part of Portugal by car in which I ended up being the ‘other’ driver (it was a standard automobile so that was extra fun for someone with little or no experience with a stick shift) and on the journey it was Elin that I most connected with because of her ongoing interest in the spiritual. We talked about the church and how corrupt a good deal of it was, but I also got the chance to tell her about the Savior who lived purely and had a revolutionary philosophy on life that the church doesn’t even come close to carrying out. At times I even felt it necessary to apologize for the way we have neglected the needs of the world and focused so much on ourselves, creating wars among us. I ended up giving her the book that I had wanted to give to Daniel, and I hope and pray that those words will inspire an even deeper search for the Light instead of enlightenment.

What about Daniel? I rarely hear from him anymore and I have not seen him since I had a kind of forced talk about who Jesus is over dinner a month ago. He needed a friend but I wanted to be his pastor so much that I missed the opportunity to just be a friend. I never earned his trust, and I believe he ended up thinking that I was not really concerned with him, but more with sharing a message, like a track. I guess I am a typical Baptist, still concerned with pushing the numbers over the people. It was as if I were saying to him that I was superior to him in some way because of how I choose to live and what I know. The news flash for all of us is that we are no better or worse than anyone. We try to manipulate our lives into thinking that we are more deserving, and some like me tend to take the back road saying that I am less deserving, but Jesus did not work like that. He gathered a following of less than significant figures according to the culture’s status quo because they were the ones willing and able to accept that they needed His overflowing, unprejudiced love. The message was no different for the rich, but He said that it was harder for them to accept what they needed most because they had justified their positions in society. I fear that I often justify myself to righteousness because I have the knowledge of Him. Being rich in knowledge for the sake of knowledge is just as cloudy a wealth as money. ‘Earning the right’ means living as an equal to those around me, and when I feel superior, those are the times I need His servant-heart the most.

The teenage guys small group has gone through a rough patch lately as well. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I have only known them for a month, but in the last week that became really clear. I was and still am passionate about inspiring Christ-like behavior for these guys, but there are some conflicts, because I think I am their pastor in a way, that I want to help fix where all I can really do is encourage change. There was a fight brewing between two brothers in the group last week, and instead of giving them the tools to work things out themselves, I felt that I needed to step in and assist them to resolve the issue. I realize now that it is not my place to resolve. That is where Jesus stands---in the middle, in the gaps. Like Paul at the end of Philippians, I realize that my place is on the sidelines like a coach encouraging and pointing out what needs to change, and telling all to encourage these lovely people to settle their differences. The true secret of the message of Christ is that joy comes in resting all of one’s will on Him. Relationships grow, changes are possible, and Love conquers the deepest fears when He is our strength. ‘Earning the right’ will start with impartial encouragement. To love is to see the people as equally great and the conflict, not as a war of wills to justify positions, but as a hindrance to Love Himself and His message.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

finally having significant words

Hello dear friends. My voice has been to faint from across the sea and I realize that I give you too little knowledge of my activity here in Lisbon. I am sorry for not being motivated and diligent enough to keep you coming often to my blog. However, for the audience that still remains, I wish to tell you what new and exciting things God is doing here with me.

As I have stated before, I often read, finding the pages of other’s thoughts to be my challenge to grow, to become wiser, and to be changed not by my own efforts. I desire greatly to return to you with evidence of a life clearly aimed at the purpose of the One who sent me here. I realize that all of you are also changing and that our reunion may not melt into the way we were before. Both sadness and joyfulness run alongside these thoughts. Currently, I am reading every man’s battle, which is a book aimed at men desiring a sexually pure and free life. I have realized for some time now that my thoughts are so trapped by visual stimulation that I can hardly see who I want to become. It is an ankle clasp that has held me back from running towards the freedom of Christ’s message. A message so covered in love that its overflow gives confidence (not pride) to those who approach its truth. I want to run towards the truth, but even now in these words I know that my desire is weak. I want to want to run.

Your prayers through my boredom have done great work. I realize now that boredom itself is a gift that provides the opportunity to listen and be still. Even though I am a borderline introvert, this concept of the gift of solitude has never really occurred to me. I pray now that I see these times in my life as a great gift and not a curse so that I can find direction and not wander in growing doubts. However, boredom is fading fast and God has given me some opportunities to work.

Tonight I begin leading a guys small group associated with Young Life Ministries. The two awesome young women who lead Young Life in Lisbon are well, women. Because of this, the organization has found little breakthrough in the area of male leadership. Just weeks ago, for spring break, Young Life took a mission trip to Romania for a week. There were something like 150 youth who went on the trip, and of that group a hand full of guys have stepped forward to say that they would like to grow in their spiritual walk through learning together about the nature of Christ. Janelle asked me to lead this group for the coming weeks until Zaca, the man feeling the call to mentor this group permanently, is able to put all his efforts towards this. Currently Zaca is taking classes and he has projects and exams coming soon. I feel incredibly grateful to be able to contribute to the development of this much-needed group. It provides me an opportunity to know that I am leaving something behind when my work here is through. It’s a legacy I aim for. Pray that my values of honesty and growth will motivate them to desire similar patterns among themselves and knit them together in reliance on each other.

Finally, for now at least, I finished the book Soul Survivor, and Ron had encouraged me to pass this book on to one of my college friends. He asked me to pray about whom that might be and how it might be used to bring glory to the Father. I did not have to pray or think long, because I knew that I needed to give this book to Daniel. I pray that it will be read and that we will have a chance to discuss the story of Christ and how it influences people’s lives. Continue to join me in this ministry with your prayers. They are always heard across the seas.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

a discussion forum

if you have not seen "million dollar baby", i will try not to ruin the plot for you because it was a really good movie. the oscar's got the best movie of the year right this time. it ties in to the big debates of america right now about terri sch(something), the pope, and the idea of what is living and what is all but dead.

what do you think is right or wrond in regards to euthanasia?

(i will talk more on the comments side because i feel i would do exactly what i don't want to do and ruin a good movie for most of you otherwise.)

lets discuss and remember principled tollerance.

needing your words

hey friends.

sorry i have not posted anything lately, but my life has been brutally boring for about two weeks now. why am i hear exactly? i miss activity and i miss home. i am not homesick right now, but i am thirsting for opportunity where the landscape seems dry. i know this is partly because spring break came so early and most of the people i had opportunities with were going home for two weeks. however, it still feel like such a struggle. i struggle to get up in the morning. sometimes i miss the morning altogether. it is partly a product of going to bed at 3am each night (it seems i prefer american time zones to the europeans), but truthfully i would do that most nights anyway. i read more than i have ever read before. i think i have finished 6 books so far, and by the end of the week it will be eight. i learn and like to learn from reading, but when that is all i seem to do that is fruitful, i feel unuseful.

i guess what i am saying is that i would like to hear from you (kind of like pleading for complements but with words of encouragement). yet, don't let it go to my head. my ego rests somewhere between my eyes and my mind. i love you all.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


another chance to win! take your best guess Posted by Hello

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I thought some of you may enjoy this one Posted by Hello

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out loud

hey guys. i sent some more pictures and it looks like there was an attempt to place them on this page, but it did not show up. i'll try to see what's going on with that and give you some more images soon. i tend to like nature stuff and less of the candid smiling people images, so those tend to be a rare sight in my collection of images.

i finally finished the book Wild at Heart and it gave me much to think about. one thing that Eldredge points out in the later chapters, just like C.S. Lewis realized, is there is a war at hand that we are loosing because we choose to ignore its existence. there is an Evil one. he hates that you and i are seeking the truth and trying to find the life God had intended all along for us to live. his best weapon is whispering in your ear, that what you are going through is all you. but you and i, we could not have created these thoughts. you and i are something entirely different from the words that the Evil one slips in our thoughts.

For example, jenny and i occasionally go through times where we doubt that we really and whole-heartedly care and love for one another. i talk as if i have more experience than i do, but correct me if i am wrong. there are voices in our heads that tell us our relationships, whether dating or friends or spiritual, are just superficial, that noone really cares that much about someone with all these flaws. i've seen it all the time in our group of friends and closer relationships. it is an insecurity that we think is from somewhere within us. yet we are the children of the One who's name is synonymous with Love. this can not be us, because we are defined by something much greater in goodness than we can even realize. the problem for me and i think for most of us is that to admit the voice comes from some other place is to believe in something mystical and risky; something we can not back up with any real tangible proof. that's the way the other side works. read screwtape letters and see if you hear some voice in your head telling you this is just fiction.

if i continue to believe that i am creating the evil thoughts in my head and that i am irreverably flawed, then i will never grasp the grace of Christ. He came to give me a new name and a new identity, something that lives for a transcendent cause and leaves a legacy marked only by an arrow that points straight back to Him. i have started to change. i have started to believe that i am something greater than the mistakes i always make. i started this with the suggestion of Eldredge from the book to ask God what my name is, and stay with the question until you get an answer. that means i had to listen to a voice, mystical in nature, something rationality tells me does not exist unless i am crazy. what did i hear? i heard that God saw me as he saw joseph (the one with the technocolor coat). check out that story. i did. i believe God was telling me personally, that i am capable of turning the worst of things into gold because God is walking me through life and encouraging me to relish the adventure. instead of a why God attitude, joseph's is a what do i get to learn now, what test do you have for me to show my strength is growing. and the closer he gets to his strength the harder it is to resist temptation and give in to another kind of validation. first it is sex. then it is withholding forgiveness. what do i want? the power or the adventure? i have made my choice. power sucks.

another thing i think i've missed in my relationship with God is that i treat it just as a spiritual thing. this the important and essential relationship i have, yet i never say anything to Him. i pray silently. i plead silently. He already knows what is in there, why have i never verbalized it for Him? am i afraid He would start to respond? inside the mind we have both the thought of our spirit and the thoughts of the Evil one i already explained. if we keep it only in our minds the thoughts get innertwined and we get confused about who we are and what our purpose is. i often get so distracted when i am just praying in my head. i drift so easily. but now i have started to speak out loud. the voice is not where the Evil one wants to be. so i encourage you converse out loud with the Father and see if you don't find something more refreshing than you can explain.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Friday, March 11, 2005

turning into a monthly update

okay, sorry i don't do more of these.

school started two weeks ago and i am comfortable so far with the material we have learned. the way it looks and works at the elementary stages compare to spanish as expected, but people who know french seem to pick up on the ear side much quicker. there are many nasal sounds that resemble french. the class is a group of 38 students, mostly from europe, but rarely more than one or two from the same country. name a county and see if we have a person in our class from there. (jenny and david excluded i think the class would survive the challenge.) it makes an interesting mix. the professor, when she is not speaking portuguese is speaking english so that makes me feel a little more comfortable, and provides me with understanding where others may struggle. this has created an opportunity to help and serve the others in my class. they all know english, but some are not as fluent as others.

i was sick at the beginning of this week. i was weak, dizzy, and nauseous, but that is gone now. thanks for the prayers even if you didn't know what i was going through.

i am beginning to realize that ministering to students is a very slow process. we were asked to set some measurable goals, weekly and long term, for this internship and they were hard to come up with. i see this ministry as something hard to plan for. you just need to go and build relationships where the people are. then i can do what i love to do: ask the hard questions. i guess that is my goal for ministry, to be more intentional in asking tough questions to know people on the inside. but with this i need wisdom, because to listen is one thing, but to advise or suggest is another.

ron is also pushing us to get involved with a second ministry, kind of like a side job. i've thought about helping with the girls who run Young Life for this area. they have no guys as leaders and it would give me a chance to interact with a different group of minds in a different part of their lives. furthermore, youth give me energy to do stuff, when i would only sit around, talk, and have coffee with college students. these ministries will most likely conflict in their time schedules, so keep me in your prayers as i decide and learn to juggle both activities.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

discovery

Hey guys. Sorry I’ve been absent for a while in writing to this blog. I’ve discovered that there is a lot of me that I need to work on, and it has taken some time to collect my thoughts into a message for you.

I’ve been reading a book called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and it is mind-altering stuff. I have discovered that the things I have gone through in the past 10 years are a response to me neglecting who I was created to be. God created me to be a man who would live an adventure, fight battles with confidence, and find a beauty to rescue (I am paraphrasing the Eldredge book). I think the only one of those three that I truly understood before starting to read Wild at Heart was that I have a desire to rescue a beauty. In other words, I have known that I needed a woman in my life to share my life with, and I strongly believe that I have found her, and her name is Jenny. However, my life to this point is a wreck of self-degradation. I have always lacked confidence in me and I often have thought very little of myself. This is my heart wound, my deepest flaw, and with it comes the message that I do not have what it takes.

I believe that this wound manifested itself in the symptoms of low self-esteem, depression and contentment in pornography and other sexual impurities. I have always been a passive person and these are all passive responses to the wound, letting the brokenness win. When depressed, I was giving in to what I saw as my hopeless destiny. Low self-esteem I cannot remember living without. Pornography became my passive response to thinking I was incapable of dating someone. I had nothing good to offer, so why try, and even when I wanted to try, I shot myself down.

By the way, if the U.S. is ten years behind Europe in the cultural perspective, then sex will be victorious. Pornography is everywhere here. The newsstands have Playboy out front, the television has public and regular cable channels that pretty much show X rated movies, the commercials leave little to the imagination, and the Internet cafes are public porn viewing facilities. We say that sex sells in America, but we are wrong. We tease with sex. Here they sell with sex. The point of me telling you this is not to brag or to tell every man in America to move to Europe, because I know that is what you are thinking. The point is to say that I and hopefully you need to fight within ourselves to eradicate our dependence on the passive release of pornography and other sexual impurities. If we do not, then we will miss out on what we were created for, to discover a woman’s total beauty.

As for the other two purposes to life, I am still discovering what those are about. Why did God create man the way he did? What does that mean for me, and who I need to become? Somewhere in the discovery of adventure and poise for fighting a battle, I believe I will find confidence to be. Sometimes guilt hangs over me like a cloud, and I like to hold on to it because it seems to justify the old me. However, living like this has destroyed me in the past and I am realizing that my greatest battle is against my wound. I will not succeed on my own, but suddenly I remember that Jesus covered me over with His self-sacrifice so that I am not the guilty one. I do not always live like this, just ask Jenny, but I am learning and experiencing renewal. As for the adventure, I think I am discovering a passion for writing.

Sunday, February 27, 2005


I assume T-Rock's partner.
Brought to you by BS studios

The Castle.
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Take your best guess!
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Monday, February 21, 2005

my pictures hopefully















And my personal favorite.

In this picture T is giving his best Bono impersonation



Wednesday, February 16, 2005

an actual update on me

I would like to give you a run down of the first three weeks of my adventure in Lisbon since all you have received up until now are my thoughts about what has happened.
Well, as you can probably tell from my other journal entries, I was dealing with homesickness from the moment I left. That is how much I miss all of you. Consider yourself greatly loved. The homesickness lingers in my thoughts occasionally, but I’ve been too busy to feel sad lately and I truly am doing lots better.
After the initial adjustment days, Ron started Rachel and I on an intensive internship orientation study. We are working through the book of John, a manual that goes with The Survival Kit for Overseas Living, and a text called The Church on the Worlds Turf. These studies cover the three basic focuses of Ron’s orientation into ministering to international students. These focuses include the biblical, cultural, and methodological perspectives. In other words, to thrive in a foreign setting while trying to serve others from foreign settings we need to strengthen our ability to observe differences in cultural behavior as to not offend or alienate individuals, to understand effective and ineffective strategies for ministry, and to steady our aim at what brings us to Lisbon. The study has been a good tool for keeping my ever-analytical mind running and learning more about how to cope with cultural differences.
As for life in Lisbon, transportation is quite efficient. I live within a few minutes of a metro and bus station. The orientation is at Rachel’s most mornings and I have pretty much perfected the timing of getting up at the latest moment and still making it there by 9. One thing that has really helped the transportation process is getting a transportation card that will allow us to us the public transportation inside the city without having to buy a ticket every time. It’s kind of like a toll tag for the Causeway. Also, since it is good for thirty days, it frees up some money and hassle in going and exploring parts of the city.
The city itself is a beautiful place. Sure there is plenty of construction here, but Lisbon has a great blend of old and new. I have yet to check out some of the older sites, like a castle that overlooks the river, or the inside of the monastery I send pictures of. (They were closed the day we traveled over there.) However, the coolest site I’ve seen is Caba da Roca. It is the westernmost point of continental Europe. I think you would call it a cape and it overlooks the Atlantic. I saw it the first day I was here, and I felt like I was looking back at all of you.
Although school does not start until the 28th of February, we have been blessed with some opportunities to build relationships with students already. While we were at the monastery at Belem, we met a German businessman named Nils. He came to Lisbon on his vacation from work to study Portuguese so that he would be able to better relate to some of his colleagues. He was very nice and I admire His desire to learn and help others. He helped us out a great bit in showing us some of the tourist sites in Lisbon on our day off. We had some good conversations about relationships and the biblical versus scientific perspective. It was challenging and encouraging, and I am glad that the One who is in control placed him in our path. God is good.
Another person I met just this week, name Daniel, is an American from Connecticut, but has duel citizenship in Portugal and the U.S. He has a post-modern relative worldview that is tolerant of my beliefs and even curious, however he is so self-sufficient that I think he believes he doesn’t need a God. That puts to many limits on his lifestyle. He has had plenty of spiritual experiences without the rules and regulations that religion holds. It’s definitely interesting that both Nils and Daniel are highly skeptical of the religious. They should be. Look at what the world has done in the name of religion. If religion were on the scale of good and evil, I would tend to say that evil would outweigh the good. But my life is not about a religion; it is about an unconditioned love that permeates from having a relationship with the Creator. Jesus broke our lives down to two rules not 500: love God and love people, and He provided us the tools to accomplish both. I pray that my life is an example of these two and nothing more.
Oh, by the way, Daniel and I are going to a UEFA cup match this evening: my first European football experience. Love you.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

missing home

Hello friends,

I’ve been missing you very much this last week. Yes it has been a week since I departed for _______ and I now realize how attached I am to my home. What is it about home that has stirs such deep emotion?

It is you that causes me to feel. We are deeply connected by our experiences. The fact that we call ourselves a family, truly believing that family is not a word that is dependent on biology, shows how strong our ties are. I know I will see all of you sooner than I can imagine now, but from this side it feels like an eternity. We lean on each other so much that when you are not around for those times I would normally lean on you, it becomes evident that I am alone. I guess that is why it is so hard for us to learn the disciple of solitude. When it should be God that comforts us and heals us, we tend to find the quick solution in community mending. I don’t mean to say that mending through community is somehow relying less on God, I believe He intend us for each other, however there are times when only God can truly mend you. I think we would rather find a temporary fix in the noise of each other than deal with being alone in silence. It seems as if this spiritual discipline is associated with depression (only the depressed would voluntarily experience solitude) yet solitude does not produce depression. It teaches reliance. It teaches to seek His comfort over our own efforts. If you can’t tell, I’ve dealt a bit with this since I’ve been gone. He has definitely comforted my soul and shown me that He is who I need to lean on.

I hope I have not drowned you in the melodrama of my tone, but I do pray that you will be encouraged to experience God. He is good. He is faithful. He pieced us together once and he can do it again, and again.

Keep me in your prayers. Love.

t.rock

Saturday, January 29, 2005

first blog after finally making it

hey everyone,

i have finally made it to my destination. i have found a place to stay with an older lady who does not speak English. which is funny because i don't speek portuguese. we use a lot of dictionaries and it is a struggle, but it is also quite funny.

well, i don't have much time to write at the moment because i am in an internet cafe and my time is running on a meter. i have yet to find a place to use the wireless connection, but when i do, know that i will send some pictures (if i remember how) because this place is beautiful. (for the sake of endulging my friends i will keep the place anonomous for now, but just know that it is crazy, frightning, and confussing to live in a city where you could go a whole day without hearing your own language. i get by with the phrase "fala ingles?" and then if they do speek english then i say more. otherwise i ask someone else or search through my pocketbook dictionary to find a word to help me. it is funny sometimes and i find it best to laugh it off, but it is a real struggle. pray for me.

i miss you.

t.rock