out loud

hey guys. i sent some more pictures and it looks like there was an attempt to place them on this page, but it did not show up. i'll try to see what's going on with that and give you some more images soon. i tend to like nature stuff and less of the candid smiling people images, so those tend to be a rare sight in my collection of images.

i finally finished the book Wild at Heart and it gave me much to think about. one thing that Eldredge points out in the later chapters, just like C.S. Lewis realized, is there is a war at hand that we are loosing because we choose to ignore its existence. there is an Evil one. he hates that you and i are seeking the truth and trying to find the life God had intended all along for us to live. his best weapon is whispering in your ear, that what you are going through is all you. but you and i, we could not have created these thoughts. you and i are something entirely different from the words that the Evil one slips in our thoughts.

For example, jenny and i occasionally go through times where we doubt that we really and whole-heartedly care and love for one another. i talk as if i have more experience than i do, but correct me if i am wrong. there are voices in our heads that tell us our relationships, whether dating or friends or spiritual, are just superficial, that noone really cares that much about someone with all these flaws. i've seen it all the time in our group of friends and closer relationships. it is an insecurity that we think is from somewhere within us. yet we are the children of the One who's name is synonymous with Love. this can not be us, because we are defined by something much greater in goodness than we can even realize. the problem for me and i think for most of us is that to admit the voice comes from some other place is to believe in something mystical and risky; something we can not back up with any real tangible proof. that's the way the other side works. read screwtape letters and see if you hear some voice in your head telling you this is just fiction.

if i continue to believe that i am creating the evil thoughts in my head and that i am irreverably flawed, then i will never grasp the grace of Christ. He came to give me a new name and a new identity, something that lives for a transcendent cause and leaves a legacy marked only by an arrow that points straight back to Him. i have started to change. i have started to believe that i am something greater than the mistakes i always make. i started this with the suggestion of Eldredge from the book to ask God what my name is, and stay with the question until you get an answer. that means i had to listen to a voice, mystical in nature, something rationality tells me does not exist unless i am crazy. what did i hear? i heard that God saw me as he saw joseph (the one with the technocolor coat). check out that story. i did. i believe God was telling me personally, that i am capable of turning the worst of things into gold because God is walking me through life and encouraging me to relish the adventure. instead of a why God attitude, joseph's is a what do i get to learn now, what test do you have for me to show my strength is growing. and the closer he gets to his strength the harder it is to resist temptation and give in to another kind of validation. first it is sex. then it is withholding forgiveness. what do i want? the power or the adventure? i have made my choice. power sucks.

another thing i think i've missed in my relationship with God is that i treat it just as a spiritual thing. this the important and essential relationship i have, yet i never say anything to Him. i pray silently. i plead silently. He already knows what is in there, why have i never verbalized it for Him? am i afraid He would start to respond? inside the mind we have both the thought of our spirit and the thoughts of the Evil one i already explained. if we keep it only in our minds the thoughts get innertwined and we get confused about who we are and what our purpose is. i often get so distracted when i am just praying in my head. i drift so easily. but now i have started to speak out loud. the voice is not where the Evil one wants to be. so i encourage you converse out loud with the Father and see if you don't find something more refreshing than you can explain.